Beware of Sith Trolls
by sakurademonalchemist
Summary: Vader finds the first Force-Sensitive child since the purge. Naturally he has to adopt the boy, who shares the name of a rather noted Sith from the ancient past. However Revan isn't just a force-sensitive child. He's an immortal wizard who de-aged himself out of boredom and to stir up chaos. Let the fun begin. CRACK FIC
1. Chapter 1

**This fic is almost pure crack and a What If? scenario where Vader is "saved" by a monumental troll (not Zelretch for once, though he IS partly to blame). So please, don't send me any reviews about how things don't work like that or how I'm messing up canon for _Star Wars_. I have literally seen the original three too many times to count, and I made this for a laugh.**

* * *

It all started when Vader found a force sensitive child on one of his campaigns.

No wait, it all started when an immortal magic-wielding man got bored and decided to screw over the Empire just for shits and giggles, and de-aged himself.

He placed himself perfectly to be found by Vader's men, even came up with a good name for himself that he doubted would be changed by Vader later.

Revan. After a famous Sith lord.

Vader kept the 'child' far, far away from his Master Sidious. He wanted his own apprentice, not one that his 'master' chose for him. Besides, there was something about the look in the child's eyes that seemed to draw him in.

He wouldn't know whether to bless the fact he found the boy, or curse his luck.

* * *

 _Age sixteen..._

Revan was known for being a monumental headache for those he didn't respect. It hadn't been until he was roughly nine that he quit giving his Master such a hard time.

But it seemed the Emperor had grown tired of letting Vader play at being a Master with an apprentice. He wanted to meet the boy personally.

Two seconds before he even reached the door, he felt how foul Sidious' soul was. He inwardly shuddered.

The first excuse Darth Sidious gave him, he was going to kill the bastard.

Revan schooled his barriers, made his face as flat as possible, and hid his soul behind a shield of darkness. No need to alert Sidious to his fate.

He wanted to disperse the man quietly, after all. Maybe steal his identity and really cause some havoc.

Sidious was a hundred times worse up close than he had thought. He was so saturated in darkness and madness that came from power that the only thing to do was to end it permanently. Otherwise he would do everything in _his_ power to end Revan or corrupt him until he lost himself.

So Revan patiently waited, and answered Vader's questions about the meeting honestly.

"I don't like him. At all. I also take back everything bad I've ever said or thought about you and replace it with the Emperor is an _ass_ ," said Revan flatly.

If he could have only seen his Master's expression hearing that declaration. He was sure it would have been hilarious.

* * *

 _Two years later..._

Revan stood dispassionately by the corpse of the now dead Emperor. Using a little trick, he hid the body from casual view and assured the droids and the guards that he was fine.

Two years of having to put up with the Emperor's ramblings about the dark side. Two years to familiarize himself with Sidious to the point that he could copy his Force signature. Two years of having the _Sith_ slowly try to corrupt him to the point he would kill his own Master to take his place.

Once alone again, Revan spat on the corpse a second time for good measure.

Then Palpatine appeared, looking very pissed indeed.

" _You arrogant boy! You think you've won? The rebellion will_ never _succeed because of my death!"_ he snarled.

Revan's smirk shut the spectre up.

"Oh, but who said I had any intent on allowing the realm at large to realize you're dead? In case you've forgotten, most can't see Force ghosts. Only the force-sensitive can," said Revan smugly.

Palpatine called him every foul name under the sun and then some while he mimicked the man's voice perfectly enough to summon Vader to inform him of the fate of his Apprentice.

This was going to be hilarious.

* * *

 _With Vader..._

There was a feeling of resignation and dread as he approached the chambers of his Master. He had known the odds of Revan living very long were slim the moment he realized the seeds of rebellion in the brat. It was only worse when Revan made his opinions of the Emperor known to him in private.

The odds of the boy following Darth Sidious were so laughable it wasn't even funny how bad they were.

So when he entered the room and saw the body near the Emperor, he thought the worst.

At least until he got closer to the man he once considered a trusted older friend.

Something was off about Sidious. There was a sense of amusement that was _never_ present around the man, even before he revealed his real nature to the universe. And it wasn't a dark amusement either.

Now he _was_ suspicious. What was going on?

Vader dared to come closer, and that was when he saw it.

It wasn't Revan's body lying cold on the floor. It was _Palpatine_ himself, or what was left of him.

The Emperor's dark laughter smoothly flowed into Revan's cackling.

"What..."

Words could not express his disbelief at the sight before him. He had always thought the Emperor to be immortal, unstoppable. Time ravaged him, but did not dilute his power or his evil.

"I have to admit, holding that form was totally worth your reaction," said Revan, wiping tears of absolute mirth from his eyes.

Vader seemed to take a deep breath, before he voiced the question he had to know.

"HOW?"

Revan pulled out a bone white stick and twirled it in his fingers.

"The Force might be powerful, but it's nothing compared to magic. And the old ghoul had no defense against something designed for a one-hit, absolute kill technique. It also doesn't help that I had this," said Revan smugly, pulling out an hour glass.

"What is that?"

"Time turner. The last one in existence. One turn of the archaic hourglass, and I got back an hour in time. All I did was wait for yet another meeting designed to get me to kill you, wait for my past self to leave, then kill him before he even realized I was there. The rest was a little shape shifting and acting," said Revan.

He had to admit, the annoying brat was _good_. He could pretend that Revan knew an obscure trick of the Force that could kill that Sidious didn't. The shape shifting he could pass off as a damn good illusion with even better acting. If Vader hadn't sensed the amusement from the Force, he never would have known it wasn't him.

"So what now? Once word spreads about him being dead..."

"Who said we have to tell _anyone_ he's dead? Let's face it, the rebellion is a joke and it's only a matter of time before they get killed off enough that they're not an issue anymore. And besides, I've been bored for years now," said Revan conspiratorially.

"What?"

"Tell me, _Lord_ Vader...do you know what a 'troll' is?" said Revan wickedly.

The plan was so brilliant in it's simplicity that Vader was almost looking forward to seeing the reaction of the rebellion when they learned Sidious was already dead and that his 'dead' Apprentice had taken over.

With how massive the Empire was, there wasn't any feasible way to destroy it without a civil war. At least, not right away.

Which was why Revan was slowly going to dismantle it from the _inside_ at the top, as discreetly as possible.

However that would take years, possibly decades.

Vader had the patience, and he knew the Empire almost inside and out. And to be honest this appealed to his sense of justice and vengeance.

He would rectify the mistake he made by joining Sidious _and_ piss off his former Master at the same time. What could possibly anger the Sith more than creating Order by using Chaos?

Besides, he openly admitted he found his partner's sense of humor rather appealing. The confusion from the rebellion and any remaining Jedi would be absolutely worth the headaches. Seeing their expressions would make it all worth the effort.

And if he found Kenobi, then he had full permission to pull a prank by telling him the truth right before the man was cut down by Vader.

Seeing his former Master's look when he found out the Emperor was dead and that they had kept it running in the shadows would be the perfect payback.

* * *

 _Two years later..._

Upon being informed of Leia's capture, Revan grinned wickedly.

Unknown to the Princess of Alderaan, he had tested her blood against Vader after he made a throw away comment about her looking so much like his dead wife.

And it came back positive. Leia of Alderaan was Vader's DAUGHTER.

Needless to say that revelation had thrown Vader for a loop, as he had always suspected that _might_ be the case but hadn't dared to hope.

Hell, what could he say to her finding that fact out?

Hi, I'm your dad and oh, I'm considered one of the most evil bastards in the universe and serve the very thing you hate?

Yeah, that wouldn't have gone over well, never mind what Sidious would have done once he found out.

Still, they had been stuck with the stupid Death Star that Sidious had started on before Revan killed him and took his place.

Which was why they had deliberately leaked the plans to some known spies. What better way to get rid of the stupid thing than to let the rebels destroy it for them?

Still, this was a great opportunity to mess with a rebel big wig. It would take some quick talking with Vader to get him to go along with it, but the results would be _soooo_ worth it later.

"You want to _what_?"

"Destroy Alderaan in an attempt to get her to talk," said Revan, hiding as some random lackey. No one remembered the dead idiots.

Sensing Vader's ire, Revan quickly explained.

"Okay, keep an open mind. See this cup?" said Revan, holding up an ordinary cup. Vader looked at him blankly in growing irritation. Revan said something under his breath, then asked again. "Where's the cup?"

"What cup?" said Vader, growing annoyed.

"The cup is currently sitting on the table."

Vader blinked, seeing a cup and blinking.

"What was that?"

"A Force trick that allows the mind to be unable to process the presence of an object, person or place so long as the one who holds the secret does not divulge it's existence," said Revan in simple terms.

Vader immediately saw the applications of such a technique.

"What's your plan?"

"I'm going to hide the entire planet under the technique. At least long enough to make everyone believe it was completely destroyed by the Death Star. Thanks to our last minute tweaks, the cannon should fail after the first use, but as long as it _looks_ like the planet was destroyed, no one will know. Then once the rebels 'win' (Revan used finger quotes) we can reveal the truth to Leia if she hasn't died by that point and watch her confusion and disbelief finding out we didn't actually kill her home planet," said Revan.

It was cruel. It was unusual. And in reality there were no downsides compared to actually destroying the place.

Besides, seeing the rebellion's reaction to finding out that the planet had been hidden and a fake image of the destruction had been used to get Leia to talk would be hilarious.

"Not to mention that if she's anything like your wife or yourself, she'll be stubborn as a mule and unlikely to given you any real information."

"This is going to be fun..." grinned Vader in his mask.

While Vader had slowly developed a sense of humor (to the relief of those who had to work with him), he was still an ass when he put his mind to it.

Though his subordinates had to admit, whatever had happened after Revan's death, they were glad Vader had loosened up. He still didn't forgive major mistakes, but he was lenient with minor ones. Unless he was in a foul mood, which seemed to be less common.

* * *

 _One week later..._

Vader had to admit, the reaction of Leia was almost worth the headache of hiding an entire planet. The knowledge he hadn't killed everyone like she assumed but was merely playing a massive prank on his daughter and the rebellion made it far easier on his poor conscience.

Revan had done what many would consider a miracle a restored his moral compass. Well perhaps restore wasn't the right word. Replaced, maybe?

Either way he found it far more satisfying pulling horrific pranks that many would say were in bad taste than his usual method of relaxing. So what if his humor was dark and slightly morbid?

It was more fun than working under Sidious had ever been, and Revan always gave him the option of picking his assignments.

The best part was that if they did this right, then both sides would be completely fooled, and they'd get to enjoy the chaos and confusion when it became known that Alderaan was still there.

As they escorted Leia back to her cell, Vader waited until they were alone in his private chambers.

"Well?"

"No one suspects a thing. And even if someone did leave the planet after I just hide the thing, they won't be able to get back. By all accounts Alderaan is destroyed. It would take someone of some serious mental fortitude or some creative thinking to get past the trick," said Revan smugly.

Before Vader could say another word, he felt the Force shudder. Something seemed to snap into place, and a sudden vicious grin bloomed on his scarred face.

Thanks in part to Revan and his mysterious concoctions, he was able to breath a limited amount of air without that damn respirator. A number of nasty scars had healed over, and he was slowly but surely healing over old wounds. He had high hopes that eventually he would be able to live a somewhat normal life.

Though he had to admit, hearing the wild adventures his former apprentice got up to while confusing Jedi Master Yoda cracked him up.

Apparently Degobah had a large number of useful and damn hard to find plants that Revan used, and every time he visited, he always ended up followed by a creepy green gnome thing that seemed content to watch. And it was _every_ time.

Hearing the respected Master referred to as a 'creepy gnome' was highly amusing. As was the fact that Yoda definitely had no idea what Revan was up to, outside of harvesting plants and the odd animal.

Vader would very much like to meet the society that produced someone as twisted and ingenious as Revan. If only because he had given Vader something that he never expected to have again while under his Master's thumb.

Hope and a purpose in life.

Still, back to the reason for Vader's vicious grin.

"I sense Kenobi."

"Kenobi and an untrained force user. If you want to have even a remote chance of converting him, you should probably hold the old Jedi's execution somewhere a bit more...private. Odds are he's already trying to brainwash the poor kid," corrected Revan.

"Do I really want an audience when I kill that arrogant blowhard or do I want to draw it out... Who am I kidding. An audience gives the greater chance of being interrupted and I'll be damned if I let that bastard use me as a way to turn _himself_ into a martyr for the rebellion!"

"Besides, we both know it'll be more fun to have him executed in a public ceremony that's held live before they even realize he's still around, but make it too sudden for the rebellion to do jack about it."

Vader's grin was even more wicked. There were days he hated Revan because he was a complete pain in the ass.

This was absolutely not one of them.

"So let the little idiots reclaim the princess then have fun drawing out that old geezer's long overdue demise?" said Revan.

"But of course!" said Vader far too cheerfully.

"Oh, and if we really want to keep him from being a martyr for those idiots, we're going to have to tweak the reason he's being executed a little bit. Odds are this kid has _zero_ ideas about what the Old Republic was like, and has been fed a lot of bullshit about the Empire."

Vader nodded. There was _occasionally_ a method to Revan's madness. He was certain that the man's ideas would pan out long term.

* * *

 _Two days later..._

Obi-Wan "Ben" Kenobi was both confused and worried.

Vader, rather than kill him for his actions in Mustafar and for secretly hiding his children, had instead had him arrested and given drugs to hinder any chance of him using the Force. More than that, he had made _very_ sure that Luke never saw what happened to him. All the boy felt was his Force Presence disappearing without warning, so it was likely the rebellion already believed him dead.

What he didn't understand was why. Why was Vader keeping him alive?

Suddenly he felt a presence so foul, so dark, it could only be one person.

Darth Sidious, the Emperor himself.

Obi-Wan braced himself. That was all he could do at the moment.

The door opened. Vader was there, as was his dark Master. It closed, leaving them completely isolated from the rest of the ship.

"Are the cameras dealt with?" rasped Sidious. Vader crushed them without a thought.

He had thought himself mentally prepared for what was to happen. He couldn't be more wrong.

Sidious reached for his hood and began to pull back.

Only to reveal Vader's last apprentice, Revan.

Obi-Wan blinked. Repeatedly. There was only one thing he could say.

"What."

"Told you it was worth keeping him alive for a public, live execution just to see that look on his face," said Revan smugly.

"When you're right, you're right you annoying brat," said Vader in a manner so hauntingly familiar to Obi-Wan that it reminded him painfully of his padawan before he became a Sith.

Revan's grin was wicked and full of mischief.

"Long story short you old dinosaur, is that Sidious is long dead and quite pissed off with me. I've been masquerading in his place just so we can destroy the Empire properly before it really spirals out of control."

"Sidious is _dead_?!" said Obi-Wan, his face looking like someone had slapped him with a fish repeatedly.

As if things could not get any stranger, Palpatine's ghost appeared again, and started cursing out Revan. He looked beyond pissed and more inclined to blind rage. If he had the hands he would definitely have strangled Revan without any hesitation.

Obi-Wan was completely lost. Sidious was dead, Revan was alive, and Vader felt more like the man he used to be and not the monster he had become.

Revan snapped his fingers, forcibly sending Sidious back to wherever force ghosts stayed.

"Here's the deal. You're going to be executed in a live ceremony for everyone to see, just not for the crime of being a Jedi."

Obi-Wan looked at him baffled.

"See we don't want you being a martyr for those idiots in the rebellion to rally behind. They're bad enough already, even if they have yet to learn that Alderaan was never actually destroyed."

"WHAT? I felt the Force! Many souls cried out before they were brutally silenced!"

"Yeah, no. it's funnier to see the expression on their faces when we present to the Princess that we didn't actually destroy her stupid homeworld. The look of shock is absolutely going to be worth the headaches hiding the damn thing," said Revan far too cheerfully considering the subject matter.

Before Obi-Wan could say anything, Revan gave him a look that made him shut up without a word.

"And let's not forget the small matter of you being the _entire_ reason that Anakin went evil in the first place you bloody hypocrite."

"What?!"

"You didn't even give him the benefit of a doubt, and your actions pushed him to the dark side because you morons couldn't comprehend that _maybe_ there was ONE emotion you fools didn't have to so viciously repress. The one thing that can turn aside even the most powerful of the dark Force powers. Love. If Anakin had been allowed to love his wife and children without being considered a _traitor_ by the damn order, he wouldn't have gone to Sidious in the first place. And let's not forget the oh-so-convenient fact that you tossers stole his only remaining connection to his dead wife, which could have brought him back to your damn side," spat Revan.

Not many were aware that Anakin Skywalker and Darth Vader were the same.

As far as the general public knew, he had died from the clone attacks, and Vader had come out of hiding as the Emperor's right hand man now that he ruled everything.

Revan had nothing but contempt for the aged Jedi, who finally started to look his years.

"Your precious Order screwed the pooch, big time. And you only have yourselves to blame."

* * *

Luke and Princess Leia had to watch helplessly as Obi-Wan Kenobi was marched onto the platform in Coruscant. There had been no warning, no hints that the Jedi had been kept alive. Luke had practically confirmed he had been killed, likely by Vader.

And here he was, about to be executed on a live feed. There was no way anyone could save him, even if the rebellion did have spies.

" _Obi-Wan Kenobi. You have been found guilty of the crimes of your Order and are sentenced to execution. Your crimes are as followed. Repeated abduction of minors from their families. Brainwashing mere children into being mindless drones for your precious cult. Knowingly helping the corrupted Senate in enslaving the weaker trade guilds. The creation of a mass-produced clone army. The kidnapping of the children of Anakin Skywalker and Padme Amidala..."_

Luke blinked. The crimes went on and on, but for some reason most of the rebels seemed surprised at that addition to the Jedi's list of crimes.

"Who are Anakin Skywalker and Padme Amidala?" asked Luke.

"Senator Amidala was one of the few non-corrupt members of the now dead Senate. I wasn't aware that she had any children though, but it makes sense it would be with him," said one of the generals.

"It definitely explains why she was wearing those heavy dresses before her death," muttered another. "But why hide her children?"

"What about the other crimes? Abducting minors and brainwashing them?" asked Luke. This was the first he had heard about _that._

Han was surprisingly the one to answer that one.

"The Jedi temple had this habit of finding 'force-sensitive' kids early on and taking them in. Really, really early on. Something about how emotions were a bad thing and even making friends was the path to evil. Rumor is that they weren't even allowed to meet their own parents, much less get to know them. And forget about getting married," said Han.

Luke was properly horrified.

"How do you know all this?" asked Leia.

"I was there when I saw a Jedi go into a family friend's house, talk to the parents about their kid and leave with a two year old without anyone saying anything. All I was told was that the baby was going to be a Jedi someday and to keep my mouth shut about the whole thing," shrugged Han.

It was an unspoken rule. If the Jedi found your baby to be force-sensitive, into the temple they went. You were _lucky_ if you heard from them again.

"I thought Jedi were keepers of the peace and order?" said Luke. This was a bit confusing for him, as he couldn't see why anyone would just hand over their children because someone came and asked them to. Especially not new mothers or fathers, at such an early age.

"It's just the way things were back then," said Han.

Luke watched in silence as the Storm Troopers executed a man he thought to be a good person.

How could Ben do something like that? Steal someone's children and hide them?

Unknown to Luke, a small fracture in his belief that all Jedi were good people had begun to form. It was hard to equate "good" with child abductors and brainwashing.

* * *

Vader was rather pleased. Even if he couldn't kill that damn Jedi with his own two hands it was nice to see that the image people had of them had just taken a big hit.

Revan knew people better than they knew themselves. It was hard to equate "good and just" with people who abducted children and then _brainwashed_ them into believing that all emotions were evil and thus to be suppressed until they were walking time bombs. And the crimes that they put on Kenobi were actual crimes back in the days of the Old Republic.

It was just that no one had ever considered trying to pin them on the Jedi. After all, they were _Jedi_. The epitome of good.

Revan suspected that the teen Obi-Wan had with him was Leia's twin brother. He had looked into the records and found she have given birth to _twins_.

Needless to say Vader was even more pissed finding _that_ out. Especially when he learned where Obi-Wan had stashed his SON for all these years.

He had never really forgiven the Larrs family for moving his mother out into the desert, where she had been vulnerable enough to be kidnapped and murdered by Tusken Raiders. He felt zero remorse learning about their deaths at the hands of his men.

"I'm bored," said Revan suddenly.

Vader felt a chill go down his spine. Bad things happened whenever Revan said those words.

Bad. Things.

"I think I'll go piss off the Hutts!"

"I thought we were keeping a low profile until we got rid of that stupid battlestation?"

"Darn, knew I was forgetting something. Send it after the rebels and make it look like they earned a victory. That should keep them from asking too many questions. Odds are that the Force will help Luke get rid of it..." said Revan, before a wicked idea occurred to him.

"What? I know that look and you're planning to do something that will give me headaches long term."

"We insured Obi-Wan didn't die like he planned, and I can keep his ghost busy if I have to. So why not pretend you're him and lead Luke on a wild goose chase while secretly teaching him?"

Vader's irritation turned to wicked amusement. Oh wouldn't that piss off the old Order? Learning Luke had been trained by his Sith father while believing it was Obi-Wan?

"You go play with the Hutts while I have fun with Luke. If he _is_ my son, then it will make it that much more entertaining seeing his expression when we finally tell him the full truth."

"Want me to start with that idiot Jabba?"

"By all means. Pretend it's a show of Force for the Empire or something."

"Eh. I'll play it off as a way to show that the Emperor didn't exactly _like_ the fact that a Jedi hid under his nose because he was on Tattooine, so he's making an example of how he feels about that," said Revan with a shrug.

Vader nodded. It was as good an excuse as any, and he had no love for the Hutts. Besides, they would be more of a challenge than those ridiculous rebels.

* * *

The stench of dead corpses filled the 'palace' of Jabba the Hutt. Revan looked particularly pleased with himself as he had been quite bored.

Suddenly there was a sound on his communicator.

"Well?" he asked Vader.

" _The Death Star was destroyed. You were right that he couldn't tell the difference between me and that old idiot. What of your mission?"_

"Let's just say the Hutts won't be harboring any of the old Order anytime soon. I made the displeasure of the 'Emperor' quite clear and left only a droid to tell the idiots who come here what happened. Not even a good droid at that. I even got to play with a Rancor!" said Revan pleased.

" _Just remember you have to return and play Emperor of the Universe before you get busted."_

"Like it matters. I never bothered to show my full face, remember? All the rebels know is I did something to piss Sidious off and got killed for it."

" _Just get back and do the damn paperwork."_

Revan snickered. Then checked to make sure that the droid didn't record that rather revealing conversation.

Damn. Now he had to reprogram another one and then leave a duplicate message.

Sometimes working in the shadows was too annoying for words. But the opportunity to pull the wool over literally millions upon MILLIONS of people was too damn good to pass up.

He was sure wherever the Marauders were, they were getting a kick out of the biggest damn prank to ever be conceived. They barely pulled one over an entire school and Ministry. He was fooling an entire _universe_ of sentient beings purely out of boredom!

He'd like to see that kill-stealing troll bastard Black Wing top this, even with his legendary prank wars with his grandfather.

In retrospect, perhaps killing Sidious and turning Vader into a monumental troll wasn't the best idea...but it was still pretty damn funny seeing what his dark humor came up with. Besides, pulling one over on that ineffectual "rebellion" _and_ an entire universe worth of sentient beings was totally worth the headaches.

* * *

"So basically the rebels have holed up in the Hoth system. Have fun," said Revan without hesitation. He _hated_ cold weather and it was obvious what the outcome would be.

They weren't suited to such cold climates, and they hadn't been there long enough to adapt. This was a mere pit stop for them.

"You're not going to join in?"

"I'm having fun teaching the Hutts a lesson in humility. Force knows they need it," said Revan with a straight face.

"...If they annoy you to the point that you plan to wipe them out completely, let me know. If there's one thing I can't stand besides self-righteous Jedi Knights, it's a Hutt who endorses slavery."

"Which is pretty much _all_ of them," cackled Revan. "Don't worry. I'll save the fun for when boredom reaches unacceptable levels or you've had a spectacularly crappy day. We can make a game of it or something."

"Just as long as you remember to share," said Vader.

"At least I'm better than that damn Black Wing, the brat."

"This I have to hear, if only for my own amusement."

Revan grumbled.

"There's a multiverse traveling evil god called Black Wing, originally an alternate of me that became ridiculously overpowered in a very short period of time. Long story short we were both after the same nuisance and the little shit got to it first. Damn if I could remember what it was though. Either way he likes to remind me about it every so often whenever I'm unlucky enough to be in the same general area as he is," said Revan grumbling. His eyes sparked with madness. Vader silently approved.

There had never been a Sith who wasn't a little insane.

Revan left, grumbling how he'd be damned if he let the "brat" steal the biggest prank he had played yet.

 _ **To be continued in Part Two**_


	2. Chapter 2

Luke was rather...baffled.

Perhaps baffled wasn't the right word for it. Confused maybe?

It started with strange "gifts" appearing in his room, which turned out to be holocubes from the time of the old Republic. He had no idea who was leaving them there, and Leia thought he had an admirer. She thought it was 'cute', in her words.

However when Luke actually looked into the cubes, he wasn't too sure it was supposed to be taken that way, flirting aside.

Most were filled with the occasional training guide for padawans and younglings (he was quickly informed of what the terms meant)...but there were the occasional after-battle reports from the Clone Wars.

Reports that didn't exactly paint Jedi in the best light. Reports that also included how the former Council reacted to the crimes committed.

Slowly but surely, his image of the Jedi was being worn down with cold, hard reality.

Now if only he could find out who his 'admirer' was and why they were sending these to him.

* * *

"You're _what_?" said Vader in disbelief.

"Eh, I was bored and I want to see his reaction when he finds out his 'secret admirer' with the history fetish is actually a GUY," admitted Revan.

Vader pinched the scarred flesh of his face.

"And what happens _after_ he finds out you're a male as well and happens to _fall_ for you?" he asked.

"Eh, life's too short to care about something as trivial as gender. Besides, I think your daughter has a thing for that smuggler who got off light because I took out Jabba," said Revan off-hand.

"The one with the walking carpet?"

"Yup."

Vader groaned. So long as Leia was happy he could care less. But the fact Revan was flirting with Luke while subtly speeding his training up...ugh. He had nothing against the idea of men who liked men, but he did have an issue with his insane partner in crime flirting with his son!

Then something hit him.

"How are you getting those into his room anyway?"

Revan had a wicked grin.

"Force technique locked onto Luke's personal signature. It appears right before every time he practices with the Force about fifteen minutes after he leaves the room," said Revan.

It was actually a port key that was tied specifically to Luke, and several conditions had to be met. But Vader refused to believe in magic, and preferred to think of the tricks as something Revan had found in the old archives.

"Wait...how did you get into the secret Archives in the temple? Not even the Emperor was able to get in!"

The Masters were very thorough in protecting their secrets. Eventually they cordoned off the entire temple until they could find a way in.

"Eh, part grave desecration, part boredom. There's a reason I caught on to using the Force so quick."

Vader remembered what Revan had revealed about who he was and how he was able to so easily kill the Emperor.

"You were a Master before."

"Yeah, and as it turns out they don't actually _delete_ the Masters from the register so long as they died a Jedi. Apparently it's an insurance policy until they confirm the death of the Master in question. And since _my_ body was never actually recovered..."

"...And the grave desecration?"

"Eh, I cut off that old geezer's hand before we burnt it to see if I could fake my way in until I found out I hadn't been removed," said Revan. He eyed Vader a bit before he sighed. "Yes you can cackle evilly at the irony of Kenobi having his body desecrated before he was burned after what he did."

Vader's grin was vicious. Of course it wasn't nearly as terrifying as it had been originally, before Revan worked his 'magic'. His scars were definitely lighter, and his body was starting to feel more human with every treatment. He didn't know what the herbal remedies were, and frankly he felt better not asking.

Once he had his evil cackling done with, Vader looked at Revan seriously.

"Now that that's out of the way, how are we going to mess with the rebels today?"

"Well, from what I know, Han's group is heading in the direction of a small mining colony not under the thumb of the Emperor. I think it's due time that we give them a good scare, wouldn't you agree?"

Vader chuckled darkly.

"You can use it as the perfect chance to see if Leia really is falling for the smuggler, and to see what sort of man he is. If he's not good enough, then you can freeze him in carbonite or something," said Revan.

"And if Luke shows up?"

"You can traumatize him by telling him his 'secret admirer' is the Emperor himself. Then I can have some fun watching his face when I flirt with him in person, only to reveal my actual face to him."

"You are a devious, evil bastard. I like it."

Now it was Revan's turn for the evil cackling.

"So where are you going?"

"Degobah, to screw with that green gnome again. I'm running low on ingredients and some of them are ready to be harvested!" said Revan happily.

"Happy trolling," said Vader, putting his helmet back on. He had no idea it was _this_ much fun to screw with people's heads.

* * *

Revan had to resist the urge to cackle evilly. Not only was _Luke_ in on the same planet as he was, he was also training with the green gnome! This was the perfect opportunity to mess with his head!

As if summoned by his inward evil cackling, Luke started following him on his harvesting mission in place of Yoda. Except he wasn't content to just watch and observe.

"Who are you?"

"Harry. I'm just here getting some things for my herbal remedies. They're a big hit with some of the outer worlds," said Revan cheerfully. He faked peered at Luke. "So what brings you to this boring place? I mean the only thing that lives here is this creepy green gnome that has a bad habit of being a stalker."

Luke choked.

"I'm training," he replied finally.

"Training for what? The only ones that get their kicks out of places like this were those monks that like to pretend they were good and noble, but were nosy busybodies that shoved their emotions down so much it's a miracle that more of them didn't become Sith," said Revan.

"Monks?" repeated Luke.

"Jedi like to pretend they're peacekeepers, but in reality they're just monks that had an annoying habit of using their precious Force to get away with shit no one would tolerate in anyone else, like babynapping. They thought that burying all emotions, even love, was a good idea when it only made them ticking time bombs waiting to explode. And anyone who dared to love another was usually kicked out of the Order in disgrace if they refused to break up," said Revan flatly.

Luke looked properly horrified.

"What about friendship?"

"Discouraged. Hell they were barely allowed to become close to their Jedi masters or make connections within the Order. I'm surprised it lasted so long. They were always jumping at shadows too, seeing the dark side of the Force everywhere and generally acting like scared rabbits. In fact I've heard they were warned repeatedly that the Emperor was in control of the old Senate, and did nothing."

The sad thing was that Luke could believe it.

He had only been around Master Yoda for a few weeks, but the old Master kept emphasizing about letting go of his emotions. Sure it was good for meditating, but Yoda wanted him to be able to do that even in battle. And the few pointed questions he made towards the holocubes he had been given about the old Republic hadn't exactly made training him very easy.

He certainly hadn't expected Luke to ask the tough questions about things he shouldn't have any idea about. Tattoine wasn't exactly a hot spot for travelers. It was a place for smugglers to hide out.

And he lived far from town. So he shouldn't be _this_ up to date on the universe at large.

Revan hid an evil grin when he realized Yoda wasn't expecting Luke to be this well educated on his history, much less the Jedi Order.

As the old saying went, "Those that do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it."

And Luke had been getting a lot of history lessons recently.

* * *

It had been over a week since Vader went to the mining colony, and Revan had created a nice friendship. Though he had to admit, watching Luke blush every time he caught on to the flirting had him laughing his ass off once he was out of earshot.

Still, Vader had already gotten an idea of what Han Solo was really like. And to be honest, tormenting him was getting boring.

So Revan made a fake distress call, made it seem like one of the people on the _Millennium Falcon_ sent it to R2-D2.

He also sent a message to Vader on their secure channel that he was sending Luke his way.

Which meant Vader would get a chance to break the news to his son that the _Emperor_ was the one sending him all those little love notes.

He didn't know how Revan attached those delightful cameras onto his helmet, but he planned to enjoy the look of shocked horror on Luke's face for a very long time.

Revan watched Luke panic when he got the message, then used what limited skills he had to try and lift the ship he had come to Degobah on.

Instead, Revan took pity on him, because as quickly as Luke had advanced, he was still a rank amateur and Yoda expected him to actually get concepts that were far beyond what he could do. To be fair, they did start the brainwashing early enough that the kids didn't learn "bad habits".

"You can use the Force?" said Luke in surprise.

"Well yeah, I mean all the basic crap is easy if you know the trick to it. If you can believe it can happen, it's possible to do. Like that whole levitation thing. Just don't over think it."

Luke looked at him, before he looked at the ship.

"How?"

"Assume you can lift the thing and don't let the actual object or the weight matter to you," said Revan.

Luke looked at the ship. Then he shrugged.

And, to the shock of Yoda, he lifted the thing on his own.

"...Why is it that I can learn from you a lot easier than I can from the Jedi Master?"

"Hide bound ghoul who got blinded by the Light," deadpanned Revan. "Now weren't you going to save your friends?"

"Oh, right. Thanks."

"I left my contact details with R2, if you want help," offered Revan.

Luke nodded, and within fifteen minutes he was gone.

Revan looked at Yoda, and had a rather disturbing grin.

"You do realize that Palpatine was offed a few years ago, right? And that Vader had been effectively running the entire galaxy while I did the paperwork."

"What."

"I cannot wait to see the rebellion's face when they find out we've been trolling them this whole time! Sidious was dead because he got cocky, just like the Jedi Order! Hell, you idiots didn't even bother to remove me from the Temple archives despite the fact I faked my death decades ago!"

Yoda blinked, before looking at Revan closely. Then he did something that had Revan cackling like an idiot.

He swore worse than any smuggler Vader had the misfortune to hear in Watto's shop.

"Grand Master Black."

Revan smirked.

"I have not yet begun to troll!" he cackled before vanishing.

Yoda just stood there swearing. It was a little known fact of the Jedi Order that Grand Master Black was insane, but not to the point where they could get rid of him. Instead he was a warning story to other Jedi Masters.

The moment his position was locked in, he let his real personality show. Needless to say the other Masters were properly horrified learning that the great man was in fact an unrepentant prankster... one who took great glee in corrupting the younglings whenever and wherever possible.

They had only _just_ started getting rid of his bad habits among those old enough to remember him when Darth Maul first arrived, and things went to hell.

And now it looked like he was back for round two. The idea that he had killed Sidious wasn't as far fetched as Yoda might hope. The man was insane, but a stronger Master there was none. If anyone could catch that monster unawares, it would have been Black.

It looked like he had returned solely to clean up the mess they left of the Order.

Yoda thanked the Force that he was cut off from the rest of the galaxy enough that he didn't have to listen to the complaints once Black came forward and revealed the truth. With any luck he'd be dead and with the Force once _that_ mess hit.

* * *

Luke found Harry's advice on how to treat the Force far more useful than any cube or half-assed teachings from Ben.

Don't think. Just imagine what you want the Force to do, then allow it to work with you.

It made facing Vader a lot more doable than he would have originally thought. In fact, Vader seemed _very_ pleased with the fact that Luke was actually holding his own and not showing how little training he had.

And then he did a dick move by cutting his hand off. Jerk.

But that wasn't the worst of it...oh no. That came after Vader revealed that _he_ was Luke's father, and they had the tests to prove it!

Vader looked at Luke, though he mostly guessed that considering he couldn't see his eyes. If he wasn't wearing the helmet, Luke would have seen his father's wicked smirk.

"And let's not forget the one who's been sending you the love notes along with the gifts..."

Luke looked at him, barely keeping awake despite the pain.

"The Emperor finds you very... _fascinating_."

Luke blinked, before that processed through his head.

"It's not true! That's not possible! The Emperor is an old man, what could he possibly want with me?" said Luke, looking decidedly ill from the mere mention of such a thing.

It was taking everything in Vader not to laugh evilly. Really, Luke's expression made all of Revan's flirting totally worth it.

"Every man has needs, Luke."

And there was that look that said Luke was very close to throwing up at the idea. Vader was reveling in the emotions Luke was giving off... and really, it was a bit of harmless fun, messing with Luke's head.

Vader watched his son give up on holding the one thing keeping him from falling. He could sense Revan was close by, and he insured that Luke wouldn't die this early.

Add to that the timing of the former smuggler and Leia, and Luke was whisked away to the rebellion's best doctors.

"Well, that was hilarious. This will make his expression finding out the truth even more fun."

"Agreed. He looked ready to hurl when I told him the Emperor had a thing for him," said Vader with absolute glee.

He had done his "fatherly duty" as Revan called it, and messed with his son's head. Now they go to enjoy the fun of Revan training Luke and ruining any hopes of the Jedi Masters infecting one more generation with their nonsense.

"Luke is with his sister. Though I imagine he'll have a bit of awkwardness when you two talk again thanks to the lost hand," said Revan...before a wicked grin came upon his face. "On the plus side, he'll never have to deal with a broken wrist from boredom!"

Vader blinked, worked that through his head, and would have face palmed had he not been a mean bastard with a reputation to keep.

"I swear, I don't know who's the bigger teenager...you or Luke! You're old enough to be my father, for the Force's sake!"

Revan cackled. He was about to comment with something lewd when he felt a sort of warning hit.

"Oh no. No, no, no, no! That purple haired bastard and his fucked up inner psyche is _not_ intruding on my fun dammit!"

Vader blinked.

There was only ONE "purple haired bastard" that Revan would talk about so vehemently, and that was the strange, evil dimension hopping god-thing that had stolen a kill from Revan. Though from what Revan said of the story, it was more along the lines of someone called "Tyrant" having shown up, decided to kill his prey and then didn't have the decency to stick around so he could pummel her into the ground for it.

When he finally caught up with her, he found Black Wing...and got a long detailed explanation that made his head cringe at the mere thought of how messed up the teen's head was.

To sum up the story, Revan found it easier to blame the "Origin" than to even _think_ about what Tyrant actually was or how Black Wing's mind worked.

"You head back to that secondary Death Star those idiots insisted on building. I'm going to divert him from ruining all my hard work just because I'm being a bigger troll than he normally is," said Revan.

"..."

Vader looked at the space Revan had previously occupied, before silently coming to the conclusion that if it didn't come back to bite him in the ass later, then it wasn't his problem.

* * *

 _With Revan and Black Wing..._

"I am going to kill him. This is my prank dammit! I don't need you and your make-shift pantheon messing it up!"

Black Wing looked at him amused.

"I only came to watch the show."

"Oh. Well in that case keep quiet about what's really going on. And once the rebellion gets the word that the Emperor was discreetly replaced with an insane Jedi Master who loves pranks, feel free to kill those damn teddy bear things."

"...I think they're called Ewoks," said Black Wing.

"Don't care what they're called, they freak me the fuck out and they're a joke. Hell, turn them into experiments or something, wipe them out with that overpowered staff of yours...whatever floats your boat. Just get rid of them once this is over! And tell that damn Tyrant to stay the hell away from Vader! Do you have any idea how much work I've had to put into turning him from an evil Sith Lord into a massive troll that people can stand to be around?"

"...Would you like to work out a payment plan now to give him a fresh body, or after the 'Empire' is destroyed?"

"What do you want, and how long will it take? I've been healing him piece by piece for the past couple of years, but I don't think Yoda will quietly stand by while I finish what I can."

"Let's talk business."

 _ **To be concluded in Part Three...**_


End file.
